Easter Baskets and Ovulation She Lived in a Shoe

Wed 07 December 2016

Easter makes me think of eggs…

Which makes me think back to my time in the old “Infertility Days.” I was married once, a million years ago, for all the wrong reasons, but I did very much want to have a baby. It can only be taken as the wisdom of the universe at that time that I was unsuccessful. However, it was the beginning of my hint that all was not well in the garden of my uterus.  Visit Gather at http://www.gatheronline.com for more information

After, when I met the man who I was sure I wanted to have a family with (he was less committed to that idea, or any other it turned out, preferring to let life happen to him by surprise and haphazard accident) but I was committed, and I was again unsuccessful in my quest. And as my biological clock was by then ticking like Big Ben, I gradually became obsessed.  Really, really obsessed with having a family. But life is funny sometimes…So the story went like this…

Once Upon a Time, in my terribly wounded teens and 20’s, I had all manner of unprotected sex, mistakenly believing it was all I had to offer and that it could buy me love. And because I knew how to make myself what young men desired, it did, a number of times. It was all for naught, because I couldn’t see the love, mostly because I didn’t know back then how to be loved.

But as this was back before the war with HIV and my luck was good, I happily survived it relatively unscathed, and completely unpregnant. So then I got married, thinking that love and security could be found in the word “wife.” And, being as I was a wife, I wanted a baby. But, despite some attempts, the baby never came, which turned out to be a blessing in disguise since the marriage rightfully and peacefully ended, sort of like a dream you might have during an afternoon nap.

Then I met a very nice guy, fell deeply in love and wanted more than anything to have his babies. Yet, my success rate remained in the high zeros, breaking my heart, over and over again. Becoming more desperate all the time, I began my baby quest in earnest, trying to unlock the key to the timing of my erratic cycles, taking my temperature two and three times a day, meticulously tracking the results, trying to optimize sex, buying endless numbers of home pregnancy tests, devastated every time my body and I failed. It was my own personal Easter egg hunt into baby madness.

In the midst of it all, one very ordinary day, I had an ovary commit suicide, taking with it a fallopian tube as well. Hearing the news upon waking from a quick emergency surgery, I went quietly mad and left the whole of that life behind, accepting that I would have no children. So, I found a man who didn’t want them either, because that seemed to be where I belonged now. And I tried to let that dream die, tried to smother the quiet sadness of it and make the best of things, and this new man, he was quite  happy to help. But he had his own desperations and in trying to smother that, he ended up smothering me, accidentally crushing my soul and spirit, until I finally had to creep away, wondering if there was anything of me left.

And so, cut loose, lost, still looking for a future I could call my own, and in a moment of semi-indifference and a nothing left to lose attitude, I opted to exercise one last option; to have children with a longtime family friend. I moved to Las Vegas and rolled the dice. And with the help of some very aggressive drugs, my one little ovary won itself a prize for most eggs produced by a woman with single ovary. 23 of them.  Mama got herself a new pair of shoes, 3 pairs of them – to go with 3 brand new babies.

Then I tried, and failed to build a normal family for them with that longtime family friend, until finally, things weren’t so friendly anymore.  And so I had sex with that very nice guy from before, even though, having grown tired of his accidental life, we were no longer together. It was just one time…and it produced just one baby. And now, blessed as I was by baby richness, I had my remaining tube severed and tied off.  But the thing is, it didn’t stop the babies from coming.

Because my niece started having babies, and because her life was made unmanageable by drugs and addiction and their accompanying instability and swamped by the almost overwhelming job of saving her own life, one by one, those babies became mine too.  In just over ten years I had gone from desperate infertility to 6 children, all under the age of 10.

And now I live in chaos and love, and I never sleep, and sometimes my medication stops working and go a little bit or a lot mad, and then I recover and then I make dinner. And I wonder how this all happened and if I’ll ever make it work. I wonder if I’ll win the battle between my depression and raising them to the age of majority, and somewhere in there, I watch my own life get squeezed out and I grasp at the slipping threads of my own receding sense of identity.

Almost two decades beyond the days when my panicked womb tried in vain to time it’s own rhythm, you can now set a stopwatch by my ovulation cycles. I can tell you each month the moment it happens. Life is funny this way.

Yep, Easter makes me think of eggs…


Category: misc

Apple Laptops

Tue 06 December 2016

apple laptops notebooks

Apple Laptops

In comparison to alternative laptop makers, Apple notebooks perform exceedingly nicely in just about any space they will be used. Apple laptops have the fastest boot moments, a number of the longest battery existence within the laptop business and high rated of the road graphics potency. These notebooks are acknowledged as obtaining the perfect for graphic style and elegance. The manner users work with the Apple laptop has been classified as obtaining “intuitive”. as a result of to its style and elegance and performance, switching from a typical Laptop to an Apple may appear odd initially, however like all points that require to own to be discovered, you’ll get the droop of it. One issue that annoys the purchasers may be the non-replaceable battery Apple notebooks carry. To substitute it, you have got to think about your laptop personal computer to 1 of their retailers.

Upgradeability isn’t a large selling stage of Apple laptops. You shell out the value, you get the laptop personal computer, and that is quite significantly it. With traditional Laptops, you get the choice to upgrade them whenever you wish, generally with out the requirement of specialised assist or with out having to pay added for areas installment. do not contemplate this the wrong manner, Apple laptops are wonderful, and also the with Intel quad core processors simply rips through any software you throw at it. they’re additionally developed to previous years before they need an accurate or a small upgrade.They may not be the most affordable laptops you’ll realize, however they’re quick and reliable. These notebooks are bundled with all sorts of functions applicable from the begin, thus you actually haven’t got to commit on further licenses or forms of software package. They allow you to to interact with digital media during a whole new manner, applicable out of the box. You’ll use them to try to to one thing that involves mind. they are not designed to handle any specified would like notably, like typical Laptop are, however they’re developed to outperform any opposition and work terribly properly underneath every kind of conditions.With customary Laptop laptops you get to settle on the worth you wish to pay out.

When we chat concerning the Macbook laptop personal computer trackpad, the exceptional trackpad supports multi-touch gestures and one will use much more than one finger for performing numerous comes. Apple Macbook laptop personal computer adapter too includes a magnetic link rather of a physical one. Creating use of a Apple Macbook laptop personal computer, you can not solely appreciate your favorite audio however may soften away DVD’s and CD’s. Apple Macbook laptops occur with enough useful ports so you’ll link your digital product while not having any hassles. Apple laptops also are eco friendly product as they’re created with vastly recyclable aluminum, glass enclosures and mercury freed from charge Led-backlit exhibit.

Therefore, even if heading for buying new laptop http://laptopstandboss.com, do have a look at Apple Macbook laptop personal computer capabilities because the product will demonstrate to be a much better different and may deliver much better computing experience.This would need to be the perfect looking pc|laptop pc|laptop personal computer|laptop computer|notebook computer} computer concerning. It extremely is simply lovely. however is it simply a vogue accent or is it additionally a operating laptop computer. The response is certain. This ultra skinny smokin’ awesome aluminium shelled ponder is in straightforward reality a reliable company laptop or laptop with wonderful multimedia potential.

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